Saturday, March 8, 2014

Shots Fired!

Socrates: “I am the wisest man alive, for I know one thing, and that is that I know nothing.”
…yeah whatever dude.

As I was driving to work the other day (on my way to a 3-11pm pediatric ER shift) I was overcome with the feeling, no the realization, that “I know nothing.” Before I could question the thought, I was also visited by its relative “I control nothing.” Believe me, I tried to ward off the unpleasant house guests but they settled in and made themselves at home in both my logic and my emotions.
So where did they come from? I knew exactly where. You see I have responsibilities (no different that those of anyone else) that my conscience will never let me avoid or dismiss. And when those responsibilities are threated by the volatile, cancerous situation that continually challenges everything that I believe (also, no different than that of anyone else)  …well the result creates a moment of decision.
But this is ME we’re talking about—I know everything and I can handle anything. I can stop, assess, and act “accordingly” in every situation. I can put the world and its problems on my shoulders without losing a step. I’m a control freak: what isn’t in my hands makes me anxious because I’m not the one controlling it! How and why could I all of a sudden feel like this?!

At this very moment I was staring down a barrel loaded with the world and all of its very real concerns. Mixed in were my own conscious nagging responsibilities and all together fused with my particular “volatile and cancerous” situation! I was vulnerable. I…could..n’t…handle…it! It was too much. Not in a dramatic or hysterical way! Lol I wasn't a blond girl who got the wrong drink at Starbucks but I had a calm, honest awareness of my own limitations. I was defenseless in front of a complete firing squad of situations and problems that I thought I was handling. And it was too late. The shots had already been fired. The results of the world’s difficulties and the consequences of evil (both mine and of others!) were all traveling towards me in the form of shotgun pellets primed to ravage my spirit and psyche. And here we arrive, together, at that moment of decision that I brought up earlier.
Now, since you know exactly how I was feeling, I promise, no more dramatic analogies!

But after hours of deliberation and conversations searching for a solution to a series of various and festering issues I was through! As I looked over everything and as much as I honestly wanted to put in the effort and necessary sacrifices to rectify everything, I couldn't; I didn't know how to. There really didn't seem to be solutions. The ironic and annoying component was that regardless of everything I’d been taught (and that I teach!!!), the way I’ve been raised and properly taught to think, and the stability I’ve been given through my faith, I was fresh out of ideas.
But strangely………I was not worried.

How could I be? The shots had been fired and I was very literally on my knees and done trying to fix everything on my own. And the truth of the matter was that although God did not do all this, He was with me through all this. And He didn't want me to fix it. I “knew” it to be true that He was with me but so long as I was the one handling my problems, how could I really “know” that He was there? I can’t stop the imminent damage of the gunshots inching ever closer towards me. NO, He had to let me exhaust all of my own methods and then wait for me to realize that He was the managing. Hey, Socrates, I don't know jack man! But it’s ok because God does! And to me, “God Willing” is a much better solution than whatever I had to offer. And same goes for everything else in my life, particularly my future. I can’t possibly know and try to dictate the direction my life takes. It’s impossible for me to assume the results of my “good” and “bad” choices. It’s even hard to assume that those more experienced than me can truthfully give good guidance. I don't say it out of arrogance but because for them to lead successful lives then at some point they must have arrived at the same conclusions of “I know nothing.” Right?

And as the feeling of “I knew nothing” and “I control nothing” settled in, it was obvious that it was actually God who had intentionally carved a niche for them in my heart and mind. My poor problems could not longer handle my involvement! They needed “my weakness so that His strength could be perfected.” And now, He is finally ready to use me. You see I’m writing this in the peaceful moments that I have after the shots have been fired. None of the issues that I “spoke” about have been resolved and the sound of their consequences are still raging in front of me.  But I’m not worried. Instead I’m humble. Lol not because I want to be but because I have no other option. I have become a malleable piece of clay waiting for my Potter. I am a blank slip of paper waiting for my Scribe. I have laid down flat, face to the ground because I can no longer stand on my own.

But that's the way He wants me. Because so long as I’m lying down the enemies bullets can't touch me.